As of Wed last week I have completed every test. I lost 10 pounds and I am now officially on THE LIST. It's weird waiting for a transplant because you know in order to live someone else will have died. I've always been an organ donor, and since I was told I have a very healthy heart I guess I could still be one someday if my transplant didn't work out, but to breathe with someone else's lungs......what a gift! I think about dying a lot these ....how could I not? Someone asked me if I'm afraid and I said yes, because I am. I want to live for more than 72 years. I want to see my grandchildren grow, I want to take care of Sara and Hank. I want to see my son get married again. I would like to walk along the beach at Siesta Key and see the sun set once again. There's a part of me that is afraid that maybe it won't all happen.
In my mind I have planned my funeral which is very, very weird. I will write it all down soon. One thing that keeps crossing my mind, and it applies to very few people, but what I keep thinking is....if you didn't respect me in life, please don't pretend to respect me in death. I have very few unfinished relationships, but I cannot fix what I did not break. I find that extremely sad.
In my mind I have planned my funeral which is very, very weird. I will write it all down soon. One thing that keeps crossing my mind, and it applies to very few people, but what I keep thinking is....if you didn't respect me in life, please don't pretend to respect me in death. I have very few unfinished relationships, but I cannot fix what I did not break. I find that extremely sad.
You're a sensitive gal, my friend. The fact that you thinking of someone mourning the death of a loved one so that you can live, shows it.
ReplyDeleteI also share the "I can't fix what I didn't break." I understand that completely.
Don't feel guilty for your true feelings.
Another similarity we share: I have my memorial plans filed with the local funeral home. Right down to the music I want played. It takes the weight of decisions off the family.
Sounds morbid but I get it, sistah, I get it.
Thank you so much for your understanding comments, Ellen. You do "get me" and I feel blessed to call you friend. I am like a yo yo these days, up and down and all around. Thanks for being there.
ReplyDeleteH
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